


The Bitch of Living

by Smol_blue_boi



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Bisexual Rich Goranski, Claustrophobia, Defensive humour, Dissociation, Drinking, Eventual Smut, Eventual spicy bis, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Michael Mell, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rich has ADHS, Rich has burn and electrical scars, Smoking, post squip, rich is having a hard time, rich needs love, spicy bis - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-14 10:31:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20599295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smol_blue_boi/pseuds/Smol_blue_boi
Summary: The bitch of living as someone you can't stand.It's been nearly a year since the squipcident, and despite the fact that his friend's have forgiven him over and over for the many mistakes he made in the past few years, Richard Goranski is still struggling with all the guilt along with all the problems he still faces at home. All of his friends just want to do what they can to help,  even if he doesn't think he deserves it. In the process of helping him, Jeremy Heere realizes he might care about his Ex-bully a lot more than he thought.





	1. Relief

The room was hard to see, thanks to the very dim yellow light of the lamp that was barely able to illuminate more than the corner of the room that it stood in. Rich sat on the ground, beneath the open window that had cold air pooling into the room. He stared directly ahead of him with an empty expression, his hand he held a lit cigarette that he would bring up to his lips every now and then for an intoxicating drag. This time around, he felt the smoky air get caught in his throat, sending him into a coughing fit that went on for about a full minute. “Fuck.” he forced out weakly, dealing with the discomfort of trying to force down any more coughs so not to wake up his older brother in the next room over. He never really wanted to be a smoker. Especially after everything that had happened. After the squipcident, which had happened about a year ago now. After the fire. After everything. He had been smoking for three years, and it all started because of his Dad… 

No it didn’t. It started because of him being a stupid kid wanting to find some sort of relief from the pain that he went through every day; going unnoticed at school, his mom leaving him at such a young age, his abusive, drunk, sorry excuse for a dad... His dad was just the easiest person to blame. After all, God knows that man smokes like a chimney. It was a habit that his squip always talked down on, yet prompted Rich to continue doing due to the ‘Badass’ credit it gave him. In the end all it really gave him was a pair of dying lungs at age 18, and the smoke inhalation on halloween definitely didn’t help. He had quit for a bit while he was in the hospital recovering, seeing as it’s incredibly hard to sneak in a cigg when you can’t even move without a nurse’s help. But the moment he left that hospital and had to come back to this house, it was just so easy and so fucking tempting to start again. Words cannot describe how hard it is to quit. So he ended up where he now. 

He had a lot of nights like this. Where he would just stay up and think about all the life altering mistakes he’s made; all the classes he failed and had to repeat after being out of school for so long, the now permanent burn scars that stained the whole left side of his body, the electrical scars running up his right forearm and his spine… What he did to Jeremey… What he did to everyone. He treated so many people so horribly. He became a bully. He became his dad. And the worst part was at times, he actually enjoyed it and he didn’t alwaysregret it. How sick is that?

The blond brought his gaze down to the smoke in his right hand which was now burnt to the filter. Wow, he didn’t realize he had gone through it so fast. With his arms crossed around his pulled up knees, he could easily see the contrast between the still hot grey ash and the pink and white scarring along his left forearm. It was already burnt there, no one would notice an extra mark. It would be so easy to just--

His intrusive thoughts were cut short as he was pulled from his dissociation by the sound of the front door slamming. After immediately putting out the cigarette on the side of the bedside table he was next to, the teen glanced up at the digital clock on said table.

*5:26*

The asshole’s favourite bar must’ve had last call. He could hear the drunken stumbling of his dad running into things and knocking them over as he was probably trying to get to the couch where he would pass out for the night. Rich let out a sigh that burnt his lungs just a little, eyes rolling into the back of his head. He forced himself to his feet, picking up his phone which he had discarded onto the bed prior to the start of his little episode. He needed some sort of distraction, and it didn’t feel like he’d being able to sleep anytime soon. The short boy scrolled through his contacts, trying to identify who might be awake at this time. He took a couple shots, sending a quick ‘Hey’ to a few different contacts to see if anyone would reply. Surprisingly enough, someone did. 

Michael: Hey, what’s up?

Woah, he didn’t expect anyone to actually answer, but he was pretty glad that someone did.

Rich: Cant sleep

why r u up?

Michael: Woke up like 20 minutes ago, can’t fall back asleep.

You good?

Rich pondered to himself for a moment on how to answer this. Was he? Not really. But he couldn’t just out and say that. It just wasn’t like him. Eventually he began to write something out, clicking sounds filled the air as he pressed the letters on the keyboard. He fought with himself over whether to send the message that he had typed into the phone. It wasn’t really a fair request, but he felt like anything would be worth a shot if it meant getting out of the house and out of his own mind for a bit. He added a couple extra words onto the beginning in an attempt to make it seem less urgent.

Rich: im good. feel like snaeking out?

Rich leaned his weight onto the unmade bed beside him as he waited for the other respond. Watching those three dots really did feel like torture. It wouldn’t really be a big deal if he said no, all it would mean is Rich would have to play it off like he was just bored. But the blond knew either way he wasn’t going to be in this room in about 5 minutes, Michael or no Michael. After a while of watching the other type, Rich decided he was probably just trying to find a way to say no. Oh well, it was worth a shot anyway... But then he was taken by surprise.

Michael: Park? 10ish min?

Rich: yeah

Omw

With that, Rich quickly threw on a hoodie to keep him warm in this late fall weather and got ready to leave. He grabbed another cigarette and shoved it in his mouth for him to light up on the walk over. After making sure he had his wallet, phone, pack of smokes, and a lighter, He made sure to leave his room as quietly as possible. After tiptoeing down the stairs, his theory from earlier proved correct. The asshole was passed out cold on the couch, clothes still half on like he tried to get undressed but gave up part way through. On his way to the front door with an unlit cigg still hanging from his lips, he turned back around for just a moment, and gave his dad a silent middle finger. It wasn’t like it would do anything, but it was enough satisfaction to put just a little bit of emotion on his face in the form of a half smirk. Once his hand was back into his pocket, he was out the door. He was gone. 

\--

The walk to the park was kinda chilly, but lucky for Rich he didn’t get cold easily, so he didn't really notice it too much. But soon enough that trademark red hoodie came into sight, he was sitting on one of the swings. The taller boy must’ve heard him coming because he looked up from the ground and pulled the bear hood off of his head.

“You still smokin’?” He asked disapprovingly upon seeing the nearly finished nicotine stick in the younger boy’s hand as he approached the swings, leaning on the metal post they were attached to. He finished the rest of it off in one long puff before throwing it onto the ground and stepping it out.

“This coming from Mr. ‘I-got-high-and-got-in-a-fight-with-my-microwave’” He teased with a laugh, trying to keep the mood high.

“Ya got me.” He held his hands up in defeat for a moment before turning to face the smaller boy. “But hey, at least I have other benefits from smoking weed aside from lung damage.”

Rich rolled up his sleeve slightly to pretended he was looking at a non existent watch. “You mean like help sleeping?” He asked sarcastically.

“Ha. Ha. You’re funny Rich.” He pretended to act annoyed, but a smirk still stayed on his face since he knew all was in good fun. It went silent for a bit, and Rich made his way to the empty swing next to the dark haired boy, taking a seat. The quiet continued. It was pretty easy to feel the low mood between the two of them, although neither of them dared to really bring it up. Michael knew there was something wrong with Rich, but he also knew it was near impossible to get that boy to share unwillingly. He’d end up making jokes and changing the subject. So they sat there… Looking down at the ground and listening to the chains creak as they lightly swung back and forth. 

“Yknow, if you want to hit me, I really wouldn’t blame you.” Rich stated out of nowhere, taking Michael by surprise and causing him to immediately look over at the blond with confusion plastered onto his face.

“Dude, the fuck?” He figured this was a lead up to some joke. It wasn’t.

“I mean, dontcha think I have it coming?” He laughed a little. “Will the amount of times that I’ve hit you, and harassed you… I wrote 'Riends' on your backpack.” He began to gesture loudly with his arms, a smile still on his face as if he was telling a funny story. “Seriously, if you wanted to write… I dunno… ‘Deadpool’ on my bag I really couldn’t bl--”

“--Woah, back up. Where the hell is this coming from?” Michael cut him off.

“Deadpool. Yknow, that Marvel antihero guy that can’t die? Played by that really hot actor? And you call yourself a nerd, you should know who--” Rich started to ramble on, acting like he didn’t have the slightest idea what he had said before this. His pathetic attempt to lighten the mood was cut short by Michael talking over him once again.

“Dude. What’s the matter?” He questioned, clearly seeing through the other’s humorous defence mechanism with a very worried expression on his face. The other boy just shrugged. 

“Dunno. Nothing. Just thinking about things lately. Everything that I’ve done, all the shit I’ve caused in everyone’s lives, including yours.” He explained simply. 

“Rich, that was all nearly a year ago.”

“So? Why does it matter how long it’s been. There’s a lot of things that time can’t change.” He explained, averting his eyes back to the ground beneath his feet.

“Such as?” 

Rich simply raised his head again and rolled up his left sleeve, showing off his burn scars all the way up to his face with an over exaggerated smile on it like he was cheesily revealing a prize on a tv show. “Did you know I can’t get in an elevator or any small space anymore without having a full blown panic attack? I always feel like the walls are closing in on me, kind of like during the fire… I was trapped until Jake saved me... Star athlete. Broke both of his legs doing that. Yknow who’s fault that was?” He didn’t give the other a chance to speak before he proceeded to do the same bit as before but with his right arm this time, “showing off” his electrical scars. Michael’s face dropped, not seeing the humor at all. “Jeremy has scars like these ones too, eh? That won’t go away with time either. Yknow who’s fault thatis?” 

“Rich. Dude. Stop. You can’t blame yourself for all of this.. You what whatwas to blame.” He put emphasis on the ‘what,’ knowing that thing didn’t deserve a ‘who.’ There was a silence for a while. Michael knew that just telling him it wasn’t his fault wouldn’t make him believe it, but he really wasn’t sure what else to say. He couldn’t just get rid of all those awful memories. After another long pause, Rich finally broke the silence.

“I think Jeremy should hate me.” He said simply.

“You know he doesn’t ha--”

“--I said he should. Not that he does.” The blond corrected. “Remember how in that movie Twilight, Edward was trying to convince Bella that he was nothing but bad news for her, and that she should hate him? I’m like Edward, but less shiny and sparkly.” He chuckled. 

“That’s not going to work on me.” The taller boy said pretty much instantly.

“What’s not?”

“The defensive humor... The attempts at changing the subject… The way you’re trying to pretend that you’re fine when you’re clearly not.” Michael looked over at the other, who was staring down at the ground looking like he had just been caught, yet he still let out a slight giggle. That giggle sounded a lot less humorous than any of the other laughter he had let out thus far.

“What should I say then?” His voice cracked slightly as he looked up at the dark haired boy with pain in his eyes. “Sorry?” A pause. “If i say sorry you’ll all just say what you always do… ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ ‘You have nothing to be sorry for,’ Things like that... Sometimes you guys actually end up apologizing to meand I just-” He had to cut himself off since he could feel himself getting too worked up. “I just… Don’t get that.” He looked up at the sky, which was starting to get a dark blue hue as the dawn approached. “So you tell me, Michael… What do I say?”

With his eyes still aimed up, all he could hear was the creaking of the chains getting louder for a moment, and the crunching of sand under shoes as the older boy came up to him from behind. Before he could ask what he was doing he felt a pair of arms wrap around his body in a comfortingly tight grip. The words he spoke were slightly muffled by Rich’s shoulder, where he had his face pressed. “When you need to say something, don’t just push it down and cover it up with some sort of joke. We’re all here to listen when you need it… I’m right here, right now. Even if you don’t want to speak.” He lifted his head slightly so that his words came through clearer. Rich Just stared ahead, trying to keep a strong front as he felt his break down start to surface into a visible state. He refused to admit how nice the hug felt, although at some point he had subconsciously moved so that his hands rested on the arms that engulfed him, as if he was trying to keep him there. “But if you want me to tell you what to say? Okay… Don’t say a damn fucking thing... Show me. Show me the side of you that you’ve been trying so desperately to hide. Just let go, no one’s going to hurt you for it.”

'No one’s going to hurt you.'

Something about that last sentence really struck something within the teen. He was taught in the worst ways his whole life not to show when he was having upsetting emotions. If not by some sad excuse for an Alexa shocking the shit out of him, it was by his dad, who would use much less technologically advanced methods.

With that nerve struck, it became near impossible to hold back anymore. It started with simple choke, and before he knew it he was clinging to Michael’s arms like they were his lifeline. He turned his head to the side so that he was able to press his whole face into red cloth on the side of the dark haired boy’s bicep, muffling the sobs that grew in volume as they continued to rapidly escape his lips. Something in his chest hurt so bad as he was doing this. Something saying that Michael doesn’t deserve this grief, especially after all the other shit that he put him through. But even if he wanted to stop now, he couldn’t. 

Soon, the park became light, and Rich’s cries had calmed down into quiet spaced out gasps. Michael held him all the way through it. Once he was totally through with the tears, the taller boy finally let him go, asking if he was okay and if he was feeling better. The younger couldn’t do much else but nod along, knowing fully well that he wouldn’t be able to form a coherent sentence quite yet. He knew he’s regret this once he got some sleep and realized what he just made his friend deal with. But right now, he had absolutely no regrets. 

That was more relief than a cigarette had ever fucking given him.


	2. Pyro

It had been about a week since Rich stayed out all night with Michael. Sure enough, he felt really guilty about putting him through that despite the many times that the taller boy assured him that it was completely okay. Even with the guilt, him and Michael seemed to have gotten closer since that night. Only in subtle ways, like how they now tended to sit next to each other when hanging out in a group, or how they seemed to be texting each other more often. It was nice. There had always been a little bit of tension between them since they started becoming friends. Just an unspoken knowing that they use to have a very different relationship. But now, it felt like that little bit of distance was gone, and they were truly good friends now. 

Not everything was fixed. Rich was still trying to figure out who exactly he was after the squipcident. Freshman year, he was lil’ Richie Goranski; a total loser who people don’t even remember. Sophomore and most of Junior year, he was a whole different person; a bully, a total asshat, someone who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. So who was he now? Not one or the other, something twisted in between. It was the most wonderful thing to be free of that hivemind, but the best part of it should’ve been being able to just be himself again. That was the lesson they were all supposed to learn; just be yourself. He really wasn’t really sure how to do this when he didn’t even know who he was.

“Hey Rich!” Jeremy greeted him at his locker, with that same smile he usually had on. Lunch had just started so as per usual it was time for the squad to sit at their table together and dick around until it was time for them all to go back to class.

“Yo,” He smiled, closing his locker after grabbing his wallet, lighter, and smokes. “How’s it goin’?” 

“Good… You really shouldn't smoke.” Jeremy had expressed concerns with this before, and every time Rich just said the same thing.

“I’m gunna quit soon. Promise. Anyway, ready for lunch?” They both started to walk side by side, down the hallway. Jeremy simply gave a quick head nod in response. The shorter boy was about to ask another conversational question. Before he could he was cut off by someone bumping his shoulder harshly as they walked back. This caused his lighter to fall out of his pocket, hitting and spinning on the ground.

“Hey! Watch it Pyro!” He shouted back at Rich before noticing the lighter on the ground. “Oh shit!” Both the blond and the bully tried to reach for the item, unfortunately Rich wasn’t fast enough and it ended up in the other boy’s hand. The harasser held the lighter well above the other’s head. Rich refused to give him the satisfaction of jumping for it. He gave it a few moments before talking back.

“You done? I ain’t gonna waste my lunch with a fifth grader. Give it back.” He spat back, holding out his hand.

“Why? Planning on burning down the school next? Huh?” Rich crossed his arms and watched the jerk go off. A couple people started to circle around them. 

“Nah, but give me your address and my lighter and I’ll gladly give you a visit.” He spoke with a wide smile. Obviously he didn’t mean this, but at some point or another he picked up the habit of using his history against the bullies. You don’t wanna mess with an actual maniac, so as long as Rich acted like one people tended to back off. It probably wasn't the best method, but it worked. 

“Fuck, you really are insane.” The boy stated. Rich simply shrugged.

“Some people ride the crazy train, I drive that motherfucker.” He winked. The bully scoffed and started to walk away. But not before throwing the lighter on the ground and smashing it with his foot. The blond rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh, looking down at his now destroyed lighter. “Fucking, great.” He muttered under his breath before turning back to Jeremy who was exactly where he left him before this mess occurred. Rich's annoyed face faded back into a full smile, acting as though none of the past couple minutes never happened. “Anyway, wanna head out now? The others are probably waiting.”

“I, um, yeah. But are you okay?” He stuttered out in response, obviously concerned for the other boy.

“I mean I’m a little hungry but beyond that, I’m great. C’mon” He walked past the taller boy and gestured for him to follow. But when he caught up, he didn’t let it go.

“No, you know what I meant. That guy--”

“--Is helping me quit smoking, don’t ya think? Can’t light ‘em without a lighter.” He chuckled a bit. After making it fairly obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it, Jeremy backed down. Despite what he said about quitting, he thank god he would be able to just steal one of the half empty lighters that his dad left all around the house. 

\--

Once they were all sat comfortably at their usual table--Rich between Jeremy and Michael--their typical conversation began. Starting with Brooke and Chloe going on about drama online with some guy James Charles or something like that. It was a good thing Rich didn’t have much to say on the topic anyway because his mind was a little preoccupied.

Even though he acted like it didn’t bother him when people treated him like that, it really did. It not only brought him back to freshman year when he dealt with it all the time, but it brought him back to the Squipped years when he was on the other side of it. Even then, he knew how much it sucked to get attacked like that, but he did it anyway. Not just that, he did it to the boys who have now become two of his best friends. Getting harassed like that always made him feel even worse about how he treated people, and how far he went with it. He took it so far that he had pretty much ruined Jeremy’s life and drove him away from Michael in the process. And that’s just the start of the list of things he’s done.

With all of this on his mind, he didn’t even notice that he had zoned out looking directly at Jeremy. He also didn’t notice right away that he was being called out for doing just that. “Dude, why are you looking at him like that?” Jake asked from the other side of the table. Apparently the subject had been changed while he was thinking.

“Huh? Oh. ‘Cause he’s adorable. Why else?” He played off, everyone giggling along with him aside from the boy in question, who was trying and failing to hide the fact that he was blushing. It had become a common thing for Rich to flirt with pretty much everyone. No one took it seriously, and it had mostly just become a character trait of his. Jeremy was his favourite to mess with though. It was much easier to get him to blush, and for some reason it just gave him much more satisfaction than it did with anybody else. He chose not to look too deep into that. 

“Is that why Michael has been staring at Rich all the time this past week?” Jenna asked. All but three people in the group erupted who ‘ouuuu’s. Everyone but Michael, Rich, and for some unknown reason, Jeremy.

“Nah, I’m looking cause I’m trying to see if I can actually see whenever he starts thinking of pick up lines.” Michael countered. “Fun fact, he spends at least a full class working on just one before he uses it.” 

“Bitch, I’m just thinking about history class. That shit’s harder than flirting! I swear they're speaking latin!” The crowd once again started to laugh all together, this time Jeremy’s giggles joined the chorus. Truth be told, the real reason the boy in the red hoodie had been looking at Rich so much lately is because he was worried about him. The blond kept a lot just stored up inside him, and that night at the park was proof. Michael tried to check in on him as much as he could, but it was hard to know when he was pretending. Even if Michael could tell, he wasn’t certain what to say. He didn’t go through the things that the other did. In fact, no one did. So it was hard for any of them to fully understand. The only person who even came close to getting what he had been through was--

“Jeremy!” Christine shouted, throwing Michael off his train of thought. “You did well in history last year. You should help Rich study!” 

“Yeah?” Jeremy turned to Rich, indirectly asking if that’s something he would want. Honestly, Rich was still trying to bounce back from failing a bunch of classes last year, so he could use all the help he could get. 

“Yeah, sure. If you’re down. I’m sure you know more history then which founding father was the sluttiest, so you’d definitely be helping. You know my schedule.” Rich smiled up at the other. 

“Free tonight?” 

“I’m damn expensive every night. But I’ll give you a discount ‘cause I think you’re cute.” Rich patted the taller boy’s cheek a couple times as his face started to flush once again. Works every time. The main reason he agreed is because he was pretty sure there would be no actual studying for more than twenty minutes and they would probably just end up playing video games or watching a movie or something. That sounded like a pretty good night to him. “I’ll pick up some grade A studying snacks.”

“More like grade C with how much studying you’ll actually do.” Chloe commented, completely calling them out.

“Hey! Just cause it’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it.” The shortest boy stated, pointing at the girl.

“Michael, you comin’ too?” Jeremy asked once he finished giggling at Rich’s reaction. Michael thought about it for a bit, but decided this might actually be a good chance for these two to talk about the problems they’re going through that none of the other’s could fully grasp. Sure, Jeremy and Rich hung out alone before, but Michael just had a good feeling about this. Plus, he could give Rich a push to get some talking done. 

“Nah, my Moms want me to help with dinner tonight. We’re gonna make Chicken inasal.” The boys nodded along, figuring they could all hang out together another time. For now, they had to get back to class since the bell had just rung.

\--

“Hey Mikey, got a lighter I could borrow for the night?” Rich wandered his way over to Michael’s locker before going to meet Jeremy to leave. The taller boy checked a couple of his pockets before handing over a lighter with a rainbow weed leaf pattern on it. Rich held it up to thank him before putting it away in his pocket. “Thanks!” He tried to take off but Michael grabbed his shoulder. 

“Woah woah, wait up.” Rich groaned a little bit, already knowing the lecture he was going to get. “First, I better get that back, it cost me over 5 bucks. Don’t be a lighter thief." He know that was coming, He never meant to take the other’s lighters, he just always forgot that he had them. “Second, do me a favor, okay?” the blond had a confused expression on his face, but nodded anyway. “Talk to Jeremey tonight.”

“Uh, yeah. That was kinda the idea. Didn’t really plan on just going mute on him while trying to hang out.” He laughed slightly.

“No. Talk to Jeremy tonight.” He repeated, putting emphasis on ‘Talk.’ Once Rich proccesed what he meant, he tried to play dumb.

“Something bothering him?” He asked innocently. The dark haired boy just gave him a look. Something that said ‘Knock it off, and just do it.’ The shorter boy got the message. He had been caught. His face dropped slightly, but only for a moment before he answered. “Yeah, I will. Thanks, buddy.” Just like that, he was running down the hall again, off to go meet Jeremy. 

On his way to the front entrance, he passed by a group of people pointing and whispering. The center of the circle was the same boy who had broken his lighter earlier that day, smirking at him with the most entertained expression. Guess word got around that Rich had threatened to burn his house down. As soon as they caught the short boy looking his way, they spoke up. “Hey, Pyro! Good luck cleaning!” 

Rich’s resting expression turned to one of confusion. What did he mean by this? That’s when it hit him. The last time he used a phrase like that was when he was drawing dicks all over people's lockers. He rolled his eyes at the group and changed his course so that he would pass by his locker. Sure enough, when he got there his locker was coated in thick red permanent marker. Little doodles of dicks and poorly drawn flames scattered the edges, but that was nothing compared to the large word written across the centre that read “ARSONIST!!” The blond simply smirked and let out an irritated sigh before pulling out his own black sharpie. He didn’t need to clean, he just needed to edit…

“ALL HAIL THE ARSONIST!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got impulsive and already wrote the next chapter. It's a little short but I wanted to save what happens next for the next chapter. In the meantime I hope you enjoy this!


	3. The Source

“Okay, What did English aristocrats think of America?” Jeremy asked, hiding his note sheet from the boy he was sitting across from on the ground.

“Too many Mcdonald's restaurants?” Rich tried, knowing very well that this wasn’t the answer. Jeremy rolled his eyes but laughed anyway, waiting for the other to make a proper attempt. Rich sat in silence, clearly running over all the information in his head. They had been studying for about fifteen minutes, and honestly there hadn’t been a single question that Rich had answered seriously. He just didn’t want to be doing this, although he knew he should. “I don’t know, they didn’t like us!”

“Well, kind of. They thought of it as a dumping ground for the poor and less fortunate of England.” The taller boy corrected before moving on. “Gimme a couple reasons why was life difficult in England and how it lead to people going to North America."

“Okay, um… Well, civil war.” He started to list, holding up a finger to count his reasons, realizing immediately after that he really didn’t know any other answers. He kept counting anyway. “Angsty kids running away from home… Some people don’t like tea… We had a cooler flag?”

“Our flag didn’t even come around until 1777!”

“How was I supposed to know that?!”

“You’re in a history class!”

“That’s a good point! Shut up! I don’t wanna study!” Rich shouted back before slouching into a pout. He was fully aware that he had agreed to study, and that he really should be doing it properly. He had already failed this class once, he didn’t need to fail it twice. “Ask me another.” He said reluctantly.

“Why don’t we take a break? We’ll play a video game or something.” The taller boy asked, probably fully aware that the second they stopped they wouldn’t go back to it. The blond let out a sigh of relief. 

“Yeah, please. You pick out a game, I’m gunna- I’ll be right back.” Rich stood up with a slight groan due to the soreness of sitting on the ground for a while. He wandered over to his backpack and grabbed his smokes and the lighter he had borrowed from Michael. When he turned back, Jeremy had a very disappointed expression spread across his face. 

“Thought you were gunna quit?” He accused. 

“I said ‘soon.’ And I will.” He smiled, not wanting this to turn into a fight but also really wanting to go outside.

“I thought your lighter was broken?”

“It is. I’ll give you one guess as to who’s lighter this is.” He held it up. Jeremy’s face seemed to drop even more. He seemed even more annoyed now that he knew it was Michael’s. In fact lately he seemed off whenever the topic of Michael and Rich came up. He wasn’t sure why, and he was afraid to ask. Did Jeremy think that he was going to hurt Michael again or something? To be fair, Rich was afraid of that too. Speaking of Michael, the short teen remembered the favor that he had asked of him in return for the lighter. He was supposed to talk to Jeremy about all the ‘blah’ in his head. He really didn’t want to get into that. At least not right now. “I’ll be right back. I’ll only smoke a half, okay?”

Once Jeremy nodded, Rich was out the door. He walked down the sidewalk a bit and sat on the curb, not wanting to deal with the off chance that Mr. Heere were to come outside and catch him. That would just lead to some awkward conversation with a “I’m-not-your-parent-but-I-disapprove” vibe. He didn’t feel like dealing with that. He might’ve lied when he said he would only smoke half, but there was really no way for Jeremy to know, so he figured no harm done as long as he got through it quickly. 

With the lit smoke hanging from his lips, Rich started off ahead of him. He could see the sun was already pretty much set despite the fact that it wasn’t too late. This was a bit of a painful reminder that it was fall. They were already half way through October. Had it really been a year since all that awful stuff went down? And Rich was still struggling so much to bounce back from all of it. His grades, his relationships, his mental state. They were all still so shaky. Nothing was completely fixed, and yet here he was, a couple doors down from the boy whose life he altered forever because he had been so selfish. He was about to play games and have fun with him as if nothing had even happened. Something wasn’t right about that. Before he knew it, all he had left in his hand was the filter of the cigg, and he wasn’t sure exactly how long he had been gone, just staring at the sun as it disappeared. Ten minutes ago, you could see the entire horizon. Now, only the dusk and the first few stars. It’s so dark. So dark. So dark...  
\--  
“Hey, cutie.” Rich walked back into the room with the same happy smile that he had left with. Jeremy was half laying down on his bed across from the TV on his phone with a couple dvd cases in his lap. He looked up at Rich and returned his greeting with a smile and a repressed blush. “What’d you decide on?”

“I looked for a bit but decided that I didn’t want to function enough to play a game, so I grabbed a couple movies, wanna pick one?” he offered the shorter boy the cases. Once he looked at them, Rich instantly knew which one he wanted to put on.

“This one.” He stated, holding it up. Jeremy looked at the case and his face immediately became horrified.

“No. I didn’t mean to grab that. I didn’t even know I owned that. I think it’s Michael’s.” 

“Michael won’t mind. We’re watching it.” He stated before putting the disk into the player himself. Jeremy groaned as The Bee Movie started to play on the screen. Rich just cackled and moved back to sit next to Jeremy, who was still pouting. Once the movie started to play, it didn’t take long for Rich to zone out and stop paying attention. His mind started wandering back to all the things he was thinking about outside. Plus he knew that if he didn’t at least say one thing to Jeremy tonight regarding… well… Any of that stuff, Michael would have his ass for it.

“Hey, Jere.” The taller boy hummed in response, still looking at the tv. “Can we talk?” The moment those words left his lips Jeremy’s attention was fully on Rich.

“Uh, yeah, of course. What’s up?”

“Right. So…” He didn’t think far enough ahead as to how he would start. “So.” He repeated. “All that… Everything- Um.” Jeremy started looking at him with a lot of confusion across his face. All the shorter boy could think of as he saw that is how it would be so easy to back out of this and just make a joke right now. But if he didn’t bring it up now, would it ever get brought up at all? Or would they just end up going another year with this thing being stuck between them, completely unspoken of. “Last year. Everything last year. And the year leading up to that.”

“Oh, Rich.” Jeremy’s face instantly dropped. “I’ve already told you. I have- Everyone has forgi--”

“--No!” He cut him off, instantly regretting how worked up he got. He took a subtle deep breath and continued. “Okay, but, that’s the thing. I don’t think that I deserve--”

“You do! You’ve more than proved yourself and--”

“--Jeremy. Just. Shut up for a second… Please.” Jeremy looked reluctant, but allowed the shorter boy to continue. “I fucked up. A LOT. And It’s really messing with my head how everyone seems to have let it go so fast. I mean, in less than a month it will have been a year since the fire and I still feel like I haven’t… Like I didn’t… Fuck. I don’t know.” Rich couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. “Just, I tortured you. I called you all these horrible names, vandalized all your stuff… I HIT you, all the time.” The taller boy looked like he wanted to tell him to stop, but he stayed quiet. Rich started to subconsciously back away from the other, nearly leaning straight off the bed where they sat. “And that’s not even the worst of it. I convinced you to get that- that- that THING. And if you hadn’t of gotten it maybe I’d be the only one who got so fucking messed up in the head. Maybe I’d be the only one who’d have to suffer for the stupid mistake that I made. But no. Everyone suffered. You the most. And for some reason, you’re still here, right beside me. Watching movies, making jokes, helping me study like none of that ever happened.” Rich fully stood up, walking away from Jeremy, holding himself. “You’re just… so good.” He turned his face to look back at the taller boy over his shoulder. “And I’m not.”

Jeremy stood, starting to follow after the blond. “Rich… I know none of those things were your choice. I know what it’s like to have that thing always over your shoulder, saying all those things, making you believe that what you’re doing is right. I had to learn all over again what it is to accept love for what it is, not for what I think I deserve.” He placed a hand on Rich’s shoulder. “And the fire--”

“--The fire was my fault.” He stated with no doubt in his mind, throwing Jeremy’s hand off his shoulder and turning his whole body to face him. Everyone always blames the squip or calls it an accident. But he knew better. The asshats at school were closer to the right answer than any of his friends.

“It wasn’t.”

“It was! Of course it fucking was! A computer can’t set a fire! It was me, Jeremy. I- I couldn’t stand having that thing in my head anymore. I couldn’t get my hands on the antidote, I didn’t even know that there was even any mountain dew red still in existence before Michael…” He trailed off, stressfully running his hands through his hair. He was about to reveal something that he had never told anyone. A secret that was supposed to have died with that monster. “That thing. That thing was a virus. And it wasn’t like a health virus- it didn’t have a cure. At least... not one I could find...” Here it comes. “And what do you do with a computer virus?” He had to force this next part out. He was sure there was some sort of ‘Firewall’ pun he could make, but even if it was Rich speaking, humour had no place here. HE was the source of all that pain and suffering. The injuries, the mental abuse that people like Jeremy suffered. So what do you do with a virus like that? “You kill it at its source.”

Rich could see the wheels turning in Jeremy’s head as he processed everything that had just come out of the shorter boy’s mouth. Once he realized what he meant by that, you’d swear you could see his heart break. He wanted to reach out and hug Rich, but he was so afraid of a negative reaction. He felt do dumbfounded, completely unsure of what to say. 

“I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t know.” That was all the taller boy could manage out. Rich’s posture dropped at the sound of those words. That’s not what he wanted to hear. He had absolutely no idea what it was that he wanted to hear, but he knew it wasn’t that. He shouldn’t be the one apologizing right now.

“No… Don’t be sorry. There was no way for you to know. No one knew. I never told anyone.” Rich admitted, looking back at Jeremy, who perked his head up a bit, as if he was shocked to hear this.

“What about Michael?” He asked.

“What about him?”

“He doesn’t know?” Rich gave him a confused look. “Like, you never told him that or anything?” Why was Jeremy asking this? Did it really matter that much?

“No… Why?”

“Nothing, I-” Jeremy tore his eyes away from the other. He looked like he was trying to work through something in his head. “I just thought since you two have a had a thing lately that maybe…” He trailed off. Did Jeremy think that Rich and Michael were hooking up or something? Sure it was a little obvious that they had become closer over the past week, but there was never anything like that going on.

“We don’t have a thing. He just… He helped me out during a rough night a week or so ago. You’re the only person I’ve ever told this to. And actually, it was Michael’s idea to talk to you.” Rich had calmed down a little bit since his rant had ended, but everything was still flowing through his mind at a rapid pace. He was so busy thinking that he didn’t have time to really wonder why Jeremy almost looked relieved when he said there was nothing going on between him and Michael. 

“Okay… Okay. So, Let’s keep talking about this. Because I’m always here to listen but I’m not too sure what to say. I honestly forgave you a long time ago. The only person left who needs to forgive you is yourself… Can you do that?” Rich had to think about that. Could he? With everything that he still regrets so much, could he learn to put it all in the past? He wasn’t sure. The reason he hesitated so much is because he knew every now and again, sometimes he would look back at everything, realize what would’ve become of him had he never gotten a squip. He was a mess in freshman year, and he had told Jeremy about that much before. Stagnant and idol… If he hadn’t got a squip he probably wouldn’t have made it past sophomore year. And if he thought too hard about that, he ended up not 100% regretting getting one. With something like that still happening, could he really forgive himself?

“...No. Not yet anyway.”

“Well… Then let me help you do that.” Jeremy took a step closer.

“How? What are you gunna do?” Rich questioned, tensing up at the sight of the other moving towards him. But Jeremy didn’t back off this time. He wrapped his arms around Rich’s body, which now realized was shaking every so slightly. He spoke into his shoulder.

“Whatever I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm coming back to this chapter later to do some grammar editing, but I hope y'all like it!)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello! This started out as a one shot but as I continued to write I came up with more of a plot in my head and decided that this one shot would just be the first chapter! I'll try to update regularly as long as I get some interest in it! Thank's so much and I hope you enjoyed it. I just don't think there's enough content out there for Rich being someone who is more than just the comic relief, because with everything he went through he is bound to be damaged. I just love my boy. c':
> 
> ps; I got the name of this pic from a song in Spring Awakening. If you don't know the musical PLeAse check it out! The fandom is dead and we could use some new members and new content!


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